An Important Story to Tell

Thank you for this beautiful guest post by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. It is one that needs to be read, because she has seen all sides of this issue. Thank you so much for sharing. 

I was a 15 year old who had lived with 10 years of sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of multiple family members.  My mind was probably a little messed up.  I had recently been raped by my older foster brother.  But then I found that my boyfriend and I had conceived.  I didn't know what to do.  I started planning an abortion.   How could I bring a baby into that life. No one came forward to help give two scared very troubled teens any other options.  I kept thinking if Heavenly Father didn't want it to happen he'd stop me.  Well that's not how it works.  I figured that out when my boyfriend fainted on the floor during the "procedure". It was too late.  We did love our baby.  And it has affected our whole lives.  Our pain will never go away.  We gave her a name and a ceremony.  We prayed and felt our baby was a girl.  Her name is Angel Marie.  I wrote her a song: 

"Angel, Angel Marie, how could I do what I did to you?  Oh and Angel, Angel Marie how could I know how it'd feel?  Oh and how could I know it was real?   Angel, Angel Marie I thought you would be gone.  How could I know I would be so wrong. For you dwell within my heart and from there you will never depart.   For I love you still and I always will..."

I repented, went to my leaders, I prayed for Heavenly Father's and Angel's forgiveness.  I hope that someday I can hold her and tell her how sorry I am...  I know Heavenly Father has forgiven me through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  

But time marches on and life continues.  I had two beautiful healthy children.  Also in stressful circumstances but still wonderful.  Through two marriages I've also been blessed with 4 amazing step-children, and one foster son.  I'm thankful to have been mother to all these kids through the last 23 years. 

My new husband and I wanted to have a child together.  We began trying but it wasn't working out. Then after 1 1/2 years we finally conceived.  We were overjoyed.  We shared the news, after the six week mark, when all looked perfect. But after 12 weeks when we went for our four month appointment, the healthy heartbeat could no longer be found.  My body refused to naturally take care of the dead baby and was clinging to the pregnancy, 4 weeks after the baby had died.  So Avery, the baby I'll never hold on earth, was removed from me.  

We were told that we could keep trying after a waiting period so we did and six months later found ourselves expecting again.  This time we were more cautious.  After the four month mark all seemed well.  We shared to joyous news.  Then the quad screen came back with issues.  After an amino 9-17-12 they found our baby boy had mild Spino Bifida and Trisomy 18.   Trisomy 18 is fatal, especially in boys.  He could not live outside the womb for more than a year, probably for less than a day.  While he wasn't due until the end of February he would probably be born early.  We were given the option to terminate. I didn't feel supported by medical staff in keeping this terminal baby alive in my womb. However, I could not do it, even knowing he'd died minutes after birth and that our family would experience so much pain. I might have done it if I hadn't known from my experience with Angel Marie how much I'd hurt and loved her and how wrong it was.

This began the longest 3 months of my life.  Yet I wouldn't change them because they were Ezekiel Dominick's life.  He was born 12/23/12 at 30 weeks.  He was born alive and lived 30 minutes.  He got his body and returned to his Heavenly Father.  We love him and know that our family is forever.  But it still hurts.  

A few months later my sister who couldn't have another child of her own was blessed by a young woman who chose life and allowed her daughter to be adopted.  Now I watch her grow knowing my son would be the same age.  

We continue to try but 2 1/2 years later that healthy baby we long for is still not making its appearance.  We pray Heavenly Father will have mercy on us and bless us.  We can't afford to adopt. I wish adoption was easier for birth moms and adoptive parents and more affordable. Then maybe more would see it as an option.  It would help so many. 

So you see I've been on all sides of this issue.  I love and morn all my children.  Heavenly Father loves us all and will make everything right as we follow him.  I hope my story can help others.