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Within days of posting my photo and message on Facebook, I had hundreds of people messaging me with their own similar stories. I felt like so many of us go through hard times in life, but we don't always have people to talk to. I want everyone to know that they are not alone! If you want to comment on my stories, please do, but please keep them kind.

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Monday, September 28, 2015

Forgotten

Lately I have been having a hard time with the idea of the world forgetting about my boys. I don't fault anybody for doing so - people have their own lives and their own children and the world moves on. But for me, their loss is so real. I am healing and moving on, but they are still part of me. The memories are so real. I still remember feeling their kicks inside of me. I remember holding their tiny bodies and singing to them while they passed away. I remember praying and wishing that they could stay. I look at their picture every day and miss them. I try not to dwell on the what might have beens, but in the back of my mind I know that had they been born on their due date they would be just over six months right now. I would have two crawling boys making messes in my house and keeping me up at night. Instead, I sit home alone every day while my other son is in school, and I feel the emptiness of a life that is missing those two boys. It still hurts. Not in the same way as it did at first, but sometimes it hurts deeper now since I have so much time to sit in the quiet of their absence. As we are struggling with fertility treatments and hoping to get pregnant again, it makes it even more real that they are not here. Sometimes I feel like I am carrying the weight of their memory on my shoulders. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "They lived! They were here!" They may not have been here for long, but they are still my sons. I love them and I miss them, and they weren't just a sad thing that happened to me. I can never forget about them. I have three children, and I love them all. I know that as time goes on, the rest of the world will forget that I have twin boys up in Heaven waiting for me, and I am going to have to find peace with that. But Chase and Cooper will never be forgotten in our home, and they are forever part of our family.

8 comments:

  1. And ours, dear Heather. Wow, I feel like half my family is in heaven...and the other half still here plugging along the best we can. Thank you so much for your tender thoughts, Heather. We do tend to get too involved with "life" to remember and reflect on the struggles going on in each others' hearts. I love you, dear daughter, and I pray for your health and happiness and know the Lord is mindful of you and your needs and desires...and that He WILL bless you. I wish I could do more for you and miss having you here and a part of our daily "craziness" and love it when you call. Please stay close to us, though you feel so far at times...and please know our hearts and prayers are ever near. I'll never forget how I felt as I stood by their graves at the cemetery when I was there. They felt SO NEAR and REAL and just a part of everything that's going on with you and your family. It was a sacred few moments I will always treasure. Take care, dear daughter, and just keep doing all the good things you do. Love you, Mom

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  2. I absolutly love what you have done it is what i would like to do my story is almost exact to yours i had to watch my twin boys die in my arms in may this yr i an struggling to cope with the world getting on with life also!! I feel so sad that my boys are gone i wish it were a nightmare still now cant belive it! I gave birth to tein boys at 22 wks while on hol in the highlands 400 miles from where we live. We were asked if we wanted the babys bodys which we obv did so had to travel 8 hrs home with them i wanted to run away with them but knew the funeral director would be waiting at our home i still feel gutted and am unable to be the parent i should to my other children because i cant spend a sec without thinking and feeling sad for wanting my boys back. I visit the cemetry each day sometimes more while they were in the chapel of rest i was in a bad place and would go as if they were in neonatal with hats n outfits then the day they were cremated i lost it begging god for one chance to keep them i begged for the cremation to stop as i needed to kiss them once more. Reading your story gives me hope as i felt like the only person that was at such a loss xx

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  3. I don't really know what to say other then i'm so so sorry for your loss. I bumped in on your fb message on a friends page and saw the link to here and kinda felt like checking how you are holding up. I'll pray for Chase and Cooper and also for you and your family. Again i'm terribly sorry. Kind regards from a mom in the netherlands

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  4. Thank you for taking the time to publish this information very useful! I've been looking for books of this nature for a way too long. I'm just glad that I found yours. Looking forward for your next post. Thanks :)

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  5. People haven't forgotten. I saw a FB post about them just today that brought me here. And I will share it and pass it on, and their memory will remain in the world a little longer. <3

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  6. I don't know you sweet lady. Keep those boys alive in your heart. Celebrate the birthday. Know you are not alone.

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  7. God bless you and your family :)

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  8. God bless you and your family :)

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