Forgotten

Lately I have been having a hard time with the idea of the world forgetting about my boys. I don't fault anybody for doing so - people have their own lives and their own children and the world moves on. But for me, their loss is so real. I am healing and moving on, but they are still part of me. The memories are so real. I still remember feeling their kicks inside of me. I remember holding their tiny bodies and singing to them while they passed away. I remember praying and wishing that they could stay. I look at their picture every day and miss them. I try not to dwell on the what might have beens, but in the back of my mind I know that had they been born on their due date they would be just over six months right now. I would have two crawling boys making messes in my house and keeping me up at night. Instead, I sit home alone every day while my other son is in school, and I feel the emptiness of a life that is missing those two boys. It still hurts. Not in the same way as it did at first, but sometimes it hurts deeper now since I have so much time to sit in the quiet of their absence. As we are struggling with fertility treatments and hoping to get pregnant again, it makes it even more real that they are not here. Sometimes I feel like I am carrying the weight of their memory on my shoulders. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "They lived! They were here!" They may not have been here for long, but they are still my sons. I love them and I miss them, and they weren't just a sad thing that happened to me. I can never forget about them. I have three children, and I love them all. I know that as time goes on, the rest of the world will forget that I have twin boys up in Heaven waiting for me, and I am going to have to find peace with that. But Chase and Cooper will never be forgotten in our home, and they are forever part of our family.

Nadine Nicole, Passed Away at 22 Weeks

The following is an email I got from an amazing woman. Thank you Kimberly for sharing your story:

"I delivered at 22 weeks (18 years ago) because of an incompetent cervix which I didn’t know at the time since this was my first pregnancy.  During my pregnancy I had spotting but was told not to worry about it but if I was worried I could come in to get checked, so I did that for at least up to 16 weeks.  At 22 weeks I began experiencing some pressure and got check and was told the mucus plug was still intact but if I see sign of bright red clotting than get to the ER.  That day I went to lay down and when I got up had the sign that the doctor told me to be aware and went to the ER.  Got to the ER and trying to get out of the car my water broke. I got checked in and they were waiting for my regular doctor to see if they could do a rescue cerclage, but I was far too dilated and she was breech when I delivered her at 22 weeks and she lived only 30 minutes.  Even through I carried her for only 22 weeks she was a living person till she passed away.  I tired to post on your blog with my google but for some reason it would not let me so I went this route.  I would love to share my story that no matter what, at least to me,  getting pregnant means a human child/being that should live unless something happens that God feels the child/ren should not be here with us.  I think of my daughter, Nadine, every day and wish she was here.  Again, thank you for sharing your story. 

You had said, “I just want people to know that there are other options out there and there’s a place to share their grief. It’s okay to talk about it. People are so afraid that people aren’t going to want to hear about their baby who passed away. People do just want to share their story because that’s their child. Most people have never shared their pictures or told their stories.”

With you saying this means so much. At first I was able to talk about Nadine, but to show her on a “social site” - I just couldn’t bring myself to do it until this year when I posted pictures of my daughter, Nadine, on my Facebook page. I felt it was time for me to share my story/pictures of Nadine.  So for anyone who needs to share and not feel bad please share your story we all know how you feel.

Here are some pictures of my daughter Nadine Nicole.  I don’t know how to crop so if you feel you need to you have my permission to do so.  The hospital I was at would give the mother a keepsake box with pictures and other items of the child/ren that the mother had lost and if it wasn’t for them I would have nothing."

 
Kimberly Cross
Albuquerque, New Mexico (USA)


First picture (as the name written on the photo): Nadine wrapped up
Second picture:  Nadine laying in the keepsake box, if you look closer at the pic the flaps are open from the keepsake box, that’s how tiny she was…..she’s wearing her hat, shirt and blanket.
Third picture and Fourth picture:  were taken after she had passed away, 30 minutes after being born.

NFL Player, Wife Will Keep Unborn Baby Despite Defect: ‘Who Are We to Determine a Baby’s Life?’

What a wonderful article and great example of parents who get it!



NFL Player, Wife Will Keep Unborn Baby Despite Defect: ‘Who Are We to Determine a Baby’s Life?’

This Is What a 14 Week Old Baby Looks Like

Thank you so much Ciara for sharing this story and these amazing pictures.

Another warning: these photos may be hard for some people to see.

"I lost baby Adrian at 14 weeks Feb 1, 2015. I started bleeding on super bowl Sunday. The bleeding got worse then what I thought was a clot was my baby. I held in my hand a fully formed baby with all his tiny fingers and toes. I was in complete shock so I called for my husband from the bathroom he took me to the hospital. I had to have two units of blood, IVs, blood tests, an EKG, and my blood pressure went down to 80/40. I had a D&C for my placenta, and I went home that night feeling empty and in shock. I felt guilty. What if it was something I did? I had taken no pictures. I never had an ultrasound and never heard a heartbeat so I had nothing to remember him. That's when my husband suggested we name our baby. We picked a unisex name: Adrian Glen Castro. I looked up online and found out that we could have our baby buried or cremated, and that gave me something to cling to so I'd have something to remember, so we called and arranged it. My husband went to sign papers at the hospital. I was still on high iron pills and resting, but thankfully the nurses took pictures, footprints and hand prints for us and also told us it was a boy. I cried - I was so happy to have something of baby Adrian. Then the day came to say goodbye, so we arranged to view baby before cremation. That was a hard day but I am glad I got the chance to have this when so many don't even know this is an option. My Angel baby will never be forgotten...and I'm happy to say I'm four months pregnant with a healthy baby and no problems so far."

We are wishing you all the best with this pregnancy Ciara!

There is Hope for Preemies!

Hi my name is Grace Bonilla and I live in El Salvador, Central America. 21 years ago I had my third child. My first two pregnancies were hard since for some reason when I got to 7 months into the pregnancy labor would start - my first born was a preemie at 36 weeks weighing 5 pounds, two years later I had my daughter and despite bedrest and medication to avoid premature contractions she was born at approximately 7 months weighing 3 pounds. When my husband and I discovered we were having another child a scarce 5 months after our daughter was born we dreaded having another premature baby, but we did. My son Juan Diego was born at 26 weeks weighing a pound and a half. Prognosis was grim, when I saw him in the incubator he looked so small and yet completely formed and resembling his older brother, the doctors prepared us for the worst and gave us a run in of all the complications he could present. It is a true miracle that he survived all those years ago in a third world country and a regular nursery not even close to the technology of a NICU in the states. But God had other plans for my son and despite staying 3 months in the hospital and several health issues that are not directly related to his premature birth, he turned 21 this August 21st and has brought many blessings to our family.

After my son was born I was very nervous about seeing such a tiny baby and thought he would be transparent or not completely formed, and it was a real shock to see such a tiny human so small yet so completely and utterly beautiful. My son is the perfect example of a true fighter and the strength of the human spirit. All children should be given the chance to live and bless this world and it does not matter how small, once the gift of life has been bestowed upon us, we are all human despite our size.
Sadly we were told that he would not survive and for that reason refused to take pictures of him when he was in the hospital but he fit in my hand and I can send you a copy of his birth chart if needed. Thankfully he defied the odds.

This is my son on the day of his graduation, a beautiful, special, blessed young man who has filed my life like we never imagined.

Kind Regard,
Grace Bonilla

An Important Story to Tell

Thank you for this beautiful guest post by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. It is one that needs to be read, because she has seen all sides of this issue. Thank you so much for sharing. 

I was a 15 year old who had lived with 10 years of sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of multiple family members.  My mind was probably a little messed up.  I had recently been raped by my older foster brother.  But then I found that my boyfriend and I had conceived.  I didn't know what to do.  I started planning an abortion.   How could I bring a baby into that life. No one came forward to help give two scared very troubled teens any other options.  I kept thinking if Heavenly Father didn't want it to happen he'd stop me.  Well that's not how it works.  I figured that out when my boyfriend fainted on the floor during the "procedure". It was too late.  We did love our baby.  And it has affected our whole lives.  Our pain will never go away.  We gave her a name and a ceremony.  We prayed and felt our baby was a girl.  Her name is Angel Marie.  I wrote her a song: 

"Angel, Angel Marie, how could I do what I did to you?  Oh and Angel, Angel Marie how could I know how it'd feel?  Oh and how could I know it was real?   Angel, Angel Marie I thought you would be gone.  How could I know I would be so wrong. For you dwell within my heart and from there you will never depart.   For I love you still and I always will..."

I repented, went to my leaders, I prayed for Heavenly Father's and Angel's forgiveness.  I hope that someday I can hold her and tell her how sorry I am...  I know Heavenly Father has forgiven me through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  

But time marches on and life continues.  I had two beautiful healthy children.  Also in stressful circumstances but still wonderful.  Through two marriages I've also been blessed with 4 amazing step-children, and one foster son.  I'm thankful to have been mother to all these kids through the last 23 years. 

My new husband and I wanted to have a child together.  We began trying but it wasn't working out. Then after 1 1/2 years we finally conceived.  We were overjoyed.  We shared the news, after the six week mark, when all looked perfect. But after 12 weeks when we went for our four month appointment, the healthy heartbeat could no longer be found.  My body refused to naturally take care of the dead baby and was clinging to the pregnancy, 4 weeks after the baby had died.  So Avery, the baby I'll never hold on earth, was removed from me.  

We were told that we could keep trying after a waiting period so we did and six months later found ourselves expecting again.  This time we were more cautious.  After the four month mark all seemed well.  We shared to joyous news.  Then the quad screen came back with issues.  After an amino 9-17-12 they found our baby boy had mild Spino Bifida and Trisomy 18.   Trisomy 18 is fatal, especially in boys.  He could not live outside the womb for more than a year, probably for less than a day.  While he wasn't due until the end of February he would probably be born early.  We were given the option to terminate. I didn't feel supported by medical staff in keeping this terminal baby alive in my womb. However, I could not do it, even knowing he'd died minutes after birth and that our family would experience so much pain. I might have done it if I hadn't known from my experience with Angel Marie how much I'd hurt and loved her and how wrong it was.

This began the longest 3 months of my life.  Yet I wouldn't change them because they were Ezekiel Dominick's life.  He was born 12/23/12 at 30 weeks.  He was born alive and lived 30 minutes.  He got his body and returned to his Heavenly Father.  We love him and know that our family is forever.  But it still hurts.  

A few months later my sister who couldn't have another child of her own was blessed by a young woman who chose life and allowed her daughter to be adopted.  Now I watch her grow knowing my son would be the same age.  

We continue to try but 2 1/2 years later that healthy baby we long for is still not making its appearance.  We pray Heavenly Father will have mercy on us and bless us.  We can't afford to adopt. I wish adoption was easier for birth moms and adoptive parents and more affordable. Then maybe more would see it as an option.  It would help so many. 

So you see I've been on all sides of this issue.  I love and morn all my children.  Heavenly Father loves us all and will make everything right as we follow him.  I hope my story can help others. 

Some Comments Regarding Abortion

I want to address the major criticism of my story. People keep saying that most abortions are performed before 12 weeks, so comparing how my twins look to an 8-12 week old fetus is using manipulation and isn't fair.

The only thing I have to say to that is that my babies were once 8 weeks, and 12 weeks. We all were. Those babies, even that young, will continue to grow and develop and be born and become adults one day. How can you say that it's ok to kill a baby (fetus) at 12 weeks but not at 20? Where do you think it's ok to draw that line?

These babies are humans, just like Chase and Cooper were. They have fingers and toes and a body and a beating heart. I will post a story tomorrow that includes a picture of a 14-15 week old baby who was stillborn. It's hard to look at, but you can clearly see that she was a baby, not a blob of cells.

I know that abortion is not an easy decision for most women who are contemplating it. And there are are a very small number of situations where abortion might be the best option. I am not trying to say that I know what is right for you. I just want people to realize that these babies inside of us are BABIES. They are LIFE. And I feel like we should do everything we can to try to save them and give them a chance at life. I don't know how to say it any clearer, so I will leave it at that for now :)

The Pain of Miscarriage

While my story doesn't have pictures of babies, I feel that it is also worth putting out there too. Thank you for sharing your story. People need to know this.

My husband and I have 3 kids. Each one had more complications that the last. Our third was supposed to be a twin but we miscarried his sister.

Then, last year, I got sick. I thought I had a stomach bug. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I was tired all of the time. I felt so depressed and languished all the time. After 2 wks of this, I went to the ER with severe pain in my side. Another miscarriage. We were devastated. No, we weren't trying, but we weren't not trying, if that makes sense. I was almost 8 weeks along. 

It was the most horrible thing that I have ever experienced. It  was so painful. With every cramp, it felt like some took a red hot scalpel to my skin. Then the blood came. It felt like buckets of it. I would stand in the shower, as blood clots and tissue, gushed out of my body. Tissue. Not clots or liquid. Tissue. My baby. A baby. A real baby. It was melting out of me and I was melting out of my self. I felt like I had failed as a woman and as a mother. But I was also heartbroken, because I had fallen in love with a baby that I didn't even know I had inside me. The minute they said I was pregnant, my husband and I were overjoyed. We had so much love that it bursted out of us. Then minutes later it was grief. It was terror. We wondered if our baby felt what we felt. Felt pain? Felt lonely? 7 and a half weeks pregnant and we were wondering these things as if it were alive. Because we knew that it was. We lost a child that day. Not a fetus or an embryo. A CHILD. Our second child had been taken back to heaven. A CHILD. We still grieve over our babies. We still celebrate our sons birthday as if his sister was here. She gets a little ceremony with just the close family every year. Our last baby is talked about daily. We pray every night and talk to them. 

All this talk of abortion and planned parenthood saddens me. I know the loss of a child. I know the pain. I pray that this world starts to see what is going on. I pray for the children.

Michael and Raphael

I received this email from a sweet woman who wants to remain anonymous, but I know the pain she has felt. I am so proud of her for trying again and will be praying that everything goes well for her this time around. I know her angels are watching over their family.

"In May 2015 we lost our identical twins Michael and Raphael. I believe that God needed few more angels at His side. It just suddenly happened. I was 18 weeks around that time, not having any labor symptoms, no bleeding, no problems with the cervix or anything else. One day I developed a sore throat and had a fever, so we decided to go to ER to get checked. After they took care of my fever and sore throat the doctors did an ultrasound on me just to make sure everything was ok. Next thing I knew there were 2 ER doctors and 1 OB doctor trying to find my baby's heartbeats from the ultrasound, and I had a bad feeling (I am a nurse so looking at the ultrasound machine I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions without having professional opinions by the doctors). Finally one of the doctors broke the news to my husband and I that our twins had no heartbeat at all. I was in denial, so I demanded a second opinion from my specialist, so they did another ultrasound, but there was still no heartbeat. I felt like I died inside me, I had never felt that pain in my entire life. The doctors told us we should deliver immediately since I was at a high risk for complications, and that once I delivered they could do an amniocentesis to try to determine what went wrong. So I went into labor (induced), and got an epidural because I just couldn't take any more pain. It also broke my heart when I saw my husband looking at our babies. It has been hard for me to move on, from time to time I just see myself crying and still some part of me blames myself for what happened. I was having a hard time to sleeping at night and just kept thinking about what happened. I am very lucky to have a husband who is very supportive. After 2 months we received the autopsy report and some other test results. They said that everything was normal, the only thing was that my placenta was too small for twins to carry them to full term. After hearing this I felt some relief knowing I hadn't done anything to cause this. I also asked the specialist about my placenta, and she said that every placenta is uniquely made for each pregnancy and having twins is just very high risk. I am only 27, still young, so I told myself I am not giving up and we will try again. I will do whatever it takes to keep the next pregnancy safe, no matter what I need to do. We just started trying to conceive again and we are hoping this time everything will be ok and that God will answer our prayers."

Choosing Life, by Kim Haugen

Kim reached out to me on Facebook and told me that her adopted son was almost a late term abortion. Thank goodness his mother chose another way. Thank you so much for sharing such a miraculous story with us Kim! Read about their miracle:

"She was 15, scared, felt alone, inadequate. She found herself in a gown waiting for the door to open to end her pregnancy. As she was waiting for the doctor to enter the door, she could feel her baby moving inside of her growing belly. The minutes seemed like days inside that cold, dark room. All she could hear was the crinkling of the paper rolled out onto the table she was sitting on. She can’t explain what came over her, but she knew what she had to do. She had to run, and that is what she did. She ran out of that clinic as fast as she could, and she never looked back. 

Our son is now 2.5 and we were there the day that he was born. His selfless, beautiful birth mother chose LIFE for her son! Was it easy for her? No! There is nothing easy about being 15 and pregnant and having the world tell you that you can end all of it with one “quick procedure”. Every night when I go into my little boys room after he is fast asleep, I kiss his big curls and thank God that our son is alive. I thank Him for having His hand in that abortion clinic. And I continue to pray for all of the other girls that are feeling scared, helpless and alone in the same situation as our son's beloved birth mother was in not too long ago."

Kim Haugen is an adoptive mama to her beautiful 2.5-year-old son. She is married to the man of her dreams and they also have a 9-month-old daughter and are in the process of adopting again. They live in Minneapolis, MN.

The Case for Life

I saw this online this morning and wanted to share:

 

Augustina and Antonia

This is Diamond's beautiful story she wanted to share about the loss of her twin girls:

"In late February 2010 I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant. I was still living with my dad and going to beauty school while working a part time job. My boyfriend at the time was living with his parents working a part time job and had just signed up for the Navy. When we found out we didn't tell anyone I was pregnant right away except for a couple friends. When we finally got the courage to tell our family we told my family first because we knew they would take it the best. We told my boyfriend's family about a week later and at first they weren't happy, but it grew on them. We went for my first appointment and found out I was about 16 weeks already and we heard the heart beat (this was before we found out it was twins). That's when I fell in love and started to become excited! The doctor was feeling my stomach and said I felt larger along than what I was, so we went and did an emergency ultra sound on May 22st, and that's when we found out we were having identical twin girls. We told everyone and they were so excited. 

In June 2010 everything took a turn for the worst. I had started spotting so I rushed to the hospital but all they said is I was dehydrated and I needed to drink lots of water. Then a week later I was hurting so we went right back and again they sent me home saying I was dehydrated and that I need to drink 3 gallons of water each day. A couple of days later I went back to the hospital because I was cramping and bleeding and my oldest daughter's sac had broken. This time they kept me in the hospital and gave me some medicine to try to keep them in and relax me. They had told my dad that I was having contractions but I could not feel them. On June 16, 2010 at 8:56am I gave birth to my oldest, Augustina Charmaine Alonzo and she was stillborn. Then at 9:04 am I gave birth to my youngest twin, Antonia Tiffany Alonzo, and she only lived for seconds. She died while she was getting baptized. They told me it was Twin to twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS).

It's been 5 years and I'm okay with them not being with me. I know it was God saying I wasn't ready, and I tell myself that my mom (who had passed away) want to meet her grandchildren. Now I'm pregnant again with a little boy and I am so excited! He's due anytime now. I've seen a specialist this pregnancy and he has finally given me answers about my first pregnancy and TTTS. It feels so much better now to know that it was nothing that could have been stopped and it was nothing I did. I tell my son he's got two older sisters who love him and who watch over him. I do miss them but I know they a better in heaven with God and my family." 

Thank you so much for sharing your story Diamond! I am so excited for your new addition, and he will know that he has two precious angels watching out for him. Wishing you all the best, and thank you again for being so open! -Heather

Mariah's Story

Our post today is from Mariah. She and I got pregnant and lost our babies at the same time last year, and my heart aches for her.

"In July of 2014 I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I at the time didn't know what to do or how to handle it. We were only together for a month and I was already pregnant. I took four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive. Both of us in shock and scared for this big change in our lives. This was our very first child, and it took us awhile to recognize that this is real. When I went to my first ultrasound, I fell in love. Baby was supposed to be born on March 22, 2015 which was the day after the three year anniversary of my mom's death. I hoped baby would be born on the 21st of March to change a tragedy into a blessing. Months went by and my boyfriend started making the baby's  nursery. Our theme was the jungle for a baby boy or girl. My boyfriend working as hard as he could in the nursery - I always had to tell him to come to bed at night. We became excited, happy, and even more blessed. He came home from work and would talk too my stomach and say, "Daddy's home," and I won't ever forget the first time he heard baby's heartbeat. I have never seen him so happy and excited about anything. When I became 21 weeks pregnant we were going in to find out what baby was. The nurse said, " Congratulations its a girl!" and we both started crying. My boyfriend knew the whole time she was going to be a girl. Tears of joy fell from his face because he was so happy to be having a girl. We named her Adalynn Mae Kroll. The next day I got a phone call saying my daughter looks healthy and my ultrasounds looked great, but a week later on November 11th at 12:30am, I started getting pains as I was sleeping. I tried to go to the bathroom but the pain wouldn't go away. All of a sudden I realized I was bleeding. I started screaming and crying at God to please not take my baby. I grabbed the phone and called my best friend at the time who was living with me. I told her to come back to the bathroom with me and her boyfriend called 911. I will never forget the pain and terror I felt. When the paramedics came they assumed I had hemorrhoids and just left me there. As I screamed and cried I begged my friends to take me to the hospital, but I just couldn't move the pain was excruciating. When I went back to my bathroom I sat down and cried until I felt like I had to push. I told them to call 911 because I knew Adalynn was coming. Knowing it was going to happen I calmed myself down. The paramedics came back and put me in the ambulance and drove slowly to the hospital. It was agonizing. By the time I got there I had to give birth to my daughter. When I did the nurse came up to me and said, "I'm sorry... Baby didn't make it," I screamed and my whole body went numb. I started shaking out of control and I just couldn't calm down. The worst part of it was having to tell my boyfriend. The father of my child. I've have never seen him cry as hard as he did. We stayed in the hospital overnight. We got the chance to hold her, kiss her, hug her and tell her we love her. We got her cremated and had a little funeral for her. Till this day I still think about her. I know she is with my mom and grandmother and grandfather now. They will take care of my baby until it's my turn to go. I still have her ashes and I sleep with them from time to time, but I gave her clothes to someone else. Now I can only hope this doesn't happen again. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you for letting me share my story."

An Amazing Adoption Story

Today we have a beautiful story from a sweet girl named Arlee.

 

 

"This is my daughter. She was born in February, 2009. When I was 14 I was sexually assaulted and I never told anyone. I ended up pregnant and homeless. I can't tell you how many people told me I should consider abortion. That it was the best thing to do. Around 5 months pregnant I got into a program for pregnant homeless women and it was there that I made the decision for adoption. The day that she was born was the scariest and most amazing day of my life. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect. I got to watch the adoptive parents with her and I knew that I was making the right decision, although it was heart breaking going home empty handed and to be honest 7 years later it's still hard. I know she is happy healthy and loved more than she could ever know. 💕"

 

Thank you so much Arlee for sharing your story. Thank you for being so brave and for choosing life for your sweet little girl. What an amazing mother you are!

Miracle Micah, His Story

This is my first guest post from another mother, and it is an amazing one! Little Micah is a miracle, as you will learn from reading his story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us Danielle!

Miracle Micah, His Story
By Danielle Pickering, Mom

My son was not “viable”. It was a word we were coming to hate. It all started the day my water broke, at 21 weeks. I was treated as if I had a Urinary Tract Infection, instead of a rupture of membranes. I was sent home with no instructions to do anything outside of my normal routine. I worked 8 hours a day in a warehouse, I cooked meals for my husband and myself, and I went to yard sales like normal, all with my water broken. One week later, at exactly 22 weeks, I started having small contractions and bleeding. My husband and I rushed to the Emergency Room, where they confirmed that my water was at less than 1 CM, and that I would be ambulanced to the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics for the remainder of my pregnancy. 

When I was admitted my heart rate was high, baby’s heart rate was high, and I was running a fever. They determined that since baby was not “viable” they would like to induce labor as they feared I had a life threatening infection. We called on everyone we knew to start praying, and within two hours I was now stable. We were then told that it was our decision to induce or to hold out and see what baby does, but they couldn’t do anything at that time to stop labor. We decided to wait. We couldn’t induce when we were sure this baby was not going to make it.

For the next three days we were told horrific statistics that no parent should ever have to face. We were told that our baby would not cry upon birth. We were told that he will likely be stillborn. We were told that, if by some miracle he survived he had a 95% chance of horrible life altering disabilities that would likely include not walking, not talking, not even eating on his own.

On the morning of 22 weeks and 4 days, Micah was born.  He defied all odds and cried two times upon birth. This was music to this devastated mom’s ears. I didn’t get to see him. He was rushed away by a huge team of Doctors and Nurses dedicated to saving his life, as that was the choice we had made. You see, we were told that we didn’t have to choose to intubate him and put him on a ventilator, but we had to do all we could to save this precious life. He had trusted his Mommy from conception to care and nourish him, and though my body was failing him, I wasn’t going to! I was going to fight for him. I was going to advocate for him! I was going to be the voice of this tiny, fragile little boy who already I was so in love with, and hadn’t even seen yet and thanks to an anterior placenta I hadn’t even felt him kick or move yet. 

The second I was able to meet Micah changed my life. He was so small. I didn’t know what to expect. Would he look “normal”? Could I bond with this baby? Those questions were a mess in my head as I was wheeled into his room two hours after his birth. The sight I saw was a perfectly formed baby. Lots of tubes and monitors all set up to be an artificial womb to this baby born too soon. My husband and I stood there just staring at this beautiful little boy who we were told we couldn’t hold as the skin was so sensitive it would hurt him. We were told we could press lightly on the skin so we each put our hand near him. HE reached up, and held our fingers. This was the strongest grasp I would ever feel. I never knew how strong a baby was until that moment! He had a powerful grip on our hands, and now our hearts.

Micah was about to spend the next 4 months in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. He was going to go through heart surgery, at 2 weeks old and just over a pound. He was going to hang on to life by a thread some days. There were days I couldn’t leave his room. I slept on the floor next to his warmer bed many nights, because my heart was so grieved for this tiny baby and I couldn’t leave him alone. He was going to go through every ventilator they had available. He was going to be on Nitric Oxide to help his lungs. He would get scores of X-Rays and heel pricks. He was going to do something amazing-all because we were able to say “Yes, Please save our baby”.

Here was this little baby who was on morphine for pain.  He still had his eyes fused shut. You could see his chest vibrate from the ventilators. It was heartbreaking. Here was a boy who we would see get to take his first sneeze. His first smile. We would get to see the hiccups, from the outside. We would watch his eyes slowly unfuse. We would watch his hair grow in and we would watch his body develop. It was indescribably the most joyful time of our life.

We knew the Lord had a plan for Micah. Our prayer to God from early on was that Micah’s life, Micah’s story, and Micah’s example would help others, and could somehow save other babies born too soon. We didn’t know what the will for Micah was, but we do now. It was to be a voice for all those other babies. We didn’t understand at the time that Micah was right on time, but now we do. Until you are faced with a situation like this, you cannot grasp the intensity that will become every decision.  You can read every doctor report, you can get advice from everyone. You can be knowledgeable on every part of prematurity, but that does not change the fact that Micah was just as much full of life at 22.4 weeks as he now is at almost 3 years old. Every scary moment has been worth it. Every doctor visit, every oxygen tank we went through, every middle of the night phone call from Natologists, was worth it. We now have a very perfect almost 3 year old we get to call son, when we were preparing for empty arms. Our hearts are full because we chose to give him a chance at life.

The Original Post and Photo

With all this talk of abortion right now, I want people to know that this is what a 22 week old child looks like. This was just minutes after my twins passed away after living and breathing for about 30 minutes last November (Chase, the one on the right, looks different because he was in the sac without amniotic fluid for a couple days). It is legal to abort children at this age in way too many places. While I was holding my babies, wishing they would survive, babies at the same gestation that could have survived are being torn apart and discarded or sold. It makes my heart sad. There are so many better options (adoption being my personal favorite). These are precious children of God. I love you Chase and Cooper, and I hope someone will see this and reconsider their choice.

Chase and Cooper's Story

I wanted to share the story of what happened to my twins.

We struggle with infertility and it took us years to get pregnant, so we were SO excited when we found out we were going to have twins! They were identical, so they were high risk the whole time and I was monitored every few weeks by ultrasound. Around 18 weeks I started feeling some pressure, but I had an ultrasound at the hospital and they said everything was fine. I still felt uncomfortable with that, so I actually changed doctors a few times to find one I felt better about. I found a new specialist based on recommendations and they were able to get me in last minute. I will forever be grateful for this miracle, because had I waited just a few more days I would have gone into labor without ever knowing what had gone wrong or being given the chance to try to save them! My new doctor did another ultrasound and exam and discovered that I had an incompetent cervix which was leading to preterm labor. The other doctors weren't watching for this because my first son was full term. Unfortunately, I know now that this is actually really common with twins. We did everything we could to save them, including surgery and a couple hospital stays, but it wasn't God's will. Eventually I went into labor and there was no stopping it (they won't give any medication to try to stop labor if you are before 24 weeks along, and I was about 22). There is no promised medical intervention for babies under 24 weeks in the US, which was hard, because once they were born I had to watch them struggle to breathe and wasn't able to help them. But they each died peacefully in our arms, and blessed our lives in that short time more than I could have ever imagined. We know that everything happens for a reason, and that we will see them again some day!

When the doctors first saw that my cervix was shortening and the chance for delivering healthy babies was low, they offered my husband and I an abortion. They told us we could just end the pregnancy right there, quick and simple. It broke my heart to even hear it, because I knew we would never do that. We had to fight for our babies! I had seen them in about 10 ultrasounds at that point, and I knew they were alive. I felt them kicking inside of me and they already each had their own little personalities. I just knew we had to do everything we could to try to save them, and we did! Knowing that we tried gives us such peace. We gave them every chance to survive, but in the end it was up to our Heavenly Father and He needed them back home with Him. We prayed for a miracle, but sometimes God answers our prayers in unexpected ways :) Cooper and Chase are our miracles.

I wanted to get my picture out there not to judge or hurt others, but because I feel like a lot of people don't connect the fetus inside of them to an actual baby when they are thinking about an abortion. I just wanted to bring awareness to others so that they could see that these are little people. But I had no idea it would spread like it has! Thanks so much for caring you guys!

Thank you!

Thank you so much to everyone who has shared my post, and especially to the wonderful people who have messaged me with your own beautiful stories. I made a lot of new friends today :) We live in such a wonderful world with so many good people, and I really appreciate the amazing response I have gotten to my post. Not too long before Chase and Cooper were born, I had a feeling that they weren't going to make it. But I also had the distinct impression that it would be alright and that was the way God intended it to be. I felt very strongly that they were sent to this Earth for a reason, and that they didn't need to live very long to change lives and make a difference (especially in my own life). I am so happy that their memory is living on, and I can't wait to see them again one day! To anyone who reads this who may be hurting tonight, I will be praying for you. Love to you all.