Forgotten

Lately I have been having a hard time with the idea of the world forgetting about my boys. I don't fault anybody for doing so - people have their own lives and their own children and the world moves on. But for me, their loss is so real. I am healing and moving on, but they are still part of me. The memories are so real. I still remember feeling their kicks inside of me. I remember holding their tiny bodies and singing to them while they passed away. I remember praying and wishing that they could stay. I look at their picture every day and miss them. I try not to dwell on the what might have beens, but in the back of my mind I know that had they been born on their due date they would be just over six months right now. I would have two crawling boys making messes in my house and keeping me up at night. Instead, I sit home alone every day while my other son is in school, and I feel the emptiness of a life that is missing those two boys. It still hurts. Not in the same way as it did at first, but sometimes it hurts deeper now since I have so much time to sit in the quiet of their absence. As we are struggling with fertility treatments and hoping to get pregnant again, it makes it even more real that they are not here. Sometimes I feel like I am carrying the weight of their memory on my shoulders. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "They lived! They were here!" They may not have been here for long, but they are still my sons. I love them and I miss them, and they weren't just a sad thing that happened to me. I can never forget about them. I have three children, and I love them all. I know that as time goes on, the rest of the world will forget that I have twin boys up in Heaven waiting for me, and I am going to have to find peace with that. But Chase and Cooper will never be forgotten in our home, and they are forever part of our family.

Nadine Nicole, Passed Away at 22 Weeks

The following is an email I got from an amazing woman. Thank you Kimberly for sharing your story:

"I delivered at 22 weeks (18 years ago) because of an incompetent cervix which I didn’t know at the time since this was my first pregnancy.  During my pregnancy I had spotting but was told not to worry about it but if I was worried I could come in to get checked, so I did that for at least up to 16 weeks.  At 22 weeks I began experiencing some pressure and got check and was told the mucus plug was still intact but if I see sign of bright red clotting than get to the ER.  That day I went to lay down and when I got up had the sign that the doctor told me to be aware and went to the ER.  Got to the ER and trying to get out of the car my water broke. I got checked in and they were waiting for my regular doctor to see if they could do a rescue cerclage, but I was far too dilated and she was breech when I delivered her at 22 weeks and she lived only 30 minutes.  Even through I carried her for only 22 weeks she was a living person till she passed away.  I tired to post on your blog with my google but for some reason it would not let me so I went this route.  I would love to share my story that no matter what, at least to me,  getting pregnant means a human child/being that should live unless something happens that God feels the child/ren should not be here with us.  I think of my daughter, Nadine, every day and wish she was here.  Again, thank you for sharing your story. 

You had said, “I just want people to know that there are other options out there and there’s a place to share their grief. It’s okay to talk about it. People are so afraid that people aren’t going to want to hear about their baby who passed away. People do just want to share their story because that’s their child. Most people have never shared their pictures or told their stories.”

With you saying this means so much. At first I was able to talk about Nadine, but to show her on a “social site” - I just couldn’t bring myself to do it until this year when I posted pictures of my daughter, Nadine, on my Facebook page. I felt it was time for me to share my story/pictures of Nadine.  So for anyone who needs to share and not feel bad please share your story we all know how you feel.

Here are some pictures of my daughter Nadine Nicole.  I don’t know how to crop so if you feel you need to you have my permission to do so.  The hospital I was at would give the mother a keepsake box with pictures and other items of the child/ren that the mother had lost and if it wasn’t for them I would have nothing."

 
Kimberly Cross
Albuquerque, New Mexico (USA)


First picture (as the name written on the photo): Nadine wrapped up
Second picture:  Nadine laying in the keepsake box, if you look closer at the pic the flaps are open from the keepsake box, that’s how tiny she was…..she’s wearing her hat, shirt and blanket.
Third picture and Fourth picture:  were taken after she had passed away, 30 minutes after being born.

NFL Player, Wife Will Keep Unborn Baby Despite Defect: ‘Who Are We to Determine a Baby’s Life?’

What a wonderful article and great example of parents who get it!



NFL Player, Wife Will Keep Unborn Baby Despite Defect: ‘Who Are We to Determine a Baby’s Life?’

This Is What a 14 Week Old Baby Looks Like

Thank you so much Ciara for sharing this story and these amazing pictures.

Another warning: these photos may be hard for some people to see.

"I lost baby Adrian at 14 weeks Feb 1, 2015. I started bleeding on super bowl Sunday. The bleeding got worse then what I thought was a clot was my baby. I held in my hand a fully formed baby with all his tiny fingers and toes. I was in complete shock so I called for my husband from the bathroom he took me to the hospital. I had to have two units of blood, IVs, blood tests, an EKG, and my blood pressure went down to 80/40. I had a D&C for my placenta, and I went home that night feeling empty and in shock. I felt guilty. What if it was something I did? I had taken no pictures. I never had an ultrasound and never heard a heartbeat so I had nothing to remember him. That's when my husband suggested we name our baby. We picked a unisex name: Adrian Glen Castro. I looked up online and found out that we could have our baby buried or cremated, and that gave me something to cling to so I'd have something to remember, so we called and arranged it. My husband went to sign papers at the hospital. I was still on high iron pills and resting, but thankfully the nurses took pictures, footprints and hand prints for us and also told us it was a boy. I cried - I was so happy to have something of baby Adrian. Then the day came to say goodbye, so we arranged to view baby before cremation. That was a hard day but I am glad I got the chance to have this when so many don't even know this is an option. My Angel baby will never be forgotten...and I'm happy to say I'm four months pregnant with a healthy baby and no problems so far."

We are wishing you all the best with this pregnancy Ciara!

There is Hope for Preemies!

Hi my name is Grace Bonilla and I live in El Salvador, Central America. 21 years ago I had my third child. My first two pregnancies were hard since for some reason when I got to 7 months into the pregnancy labor would start - my first born was a preemie at 36 weeks weighing 5 pounds, two years later I had my daughter and despite bedrest and medication to avoid premature contractions she was born at approximately 7 months weighing 3 pounds. When my husband and I discovered we were having another child a scarce 5 months after our daughter was born we dreaded having another premature baby, but we did. My son Juan Diego was born at 26 weeks weighing a pound and a half. Prognosis was grim, when I saw him in the incubator he looked so small and yet completely formed and resembling his older brother, the doctors prepared us for the worst and gave us a run in of all the complications he could present. It is a true miracle that he survived all those years ago in a third world country and a regular nursery not even close to the technology of a NICU in the states. But God had other plans for my son and despite staying 3 months in the hospital and several health issues that are not directly related to his premature birth, he turned 21 this August 21st and has brought many blessings to our family.

After my son was born I was very nervous about seeing such a tiny baby and thought he would be transparent or not completely formed, and it was a real shock to see such a tiny human so small yet so completely and utterly beautiful. My son is the perfect example of a true fighter and the strength of the human spirit. All children should be given the chance to live and bless this world and it does not matter how small, once the gift of life has been bestowed upon us, we are all human despite our size.
Sadly we were told that he would not survive and for that reason refused to take pictures of him when he was in the hospital but he fit in my hand and I can send you a copy of his birth chart if needed. Thankfully he defied the odds.

This is my son on the day of his graduation, a beautiful, special, blessed young man who has filed my life like we never imagined.

Kind Regard,
Grace Bonilla

An Important Story to Tell

Thank you for this beautiful guest post by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. It is one that needs to be read, because she has seen all sides of this issue. Thank you so much for sharing. 

I was a 15 year old who had lived with 10 years of sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of multiple family members.  My mind was probably a little messed up.  I had recently been raped by my older foster brother.  But then I found that my boyfriend and I had conceived.  I didn't know what to do.  I started planning an abortion.   How could I bring a baby into that life. No one came forward to help give two scared very troubled teens any other options.  I kept thinking if Heavenly Father didn't want it to happen he'd stop me.  Well that's not how it works.  I figured that out when my boyfriend fainted on the floor during the "procedure". It was too late.  We did love our baby.  And it has affected our whole lives.  Our pain will never go away.  We gave her a name and a ceremony.  We prayed and felt our baby was a girl.  Her name is Angel Marie.  I wrote her a song: 

"Angel, Angel Marie, how could I do what I did to you?  Oh and Angel, Angel Marie how could I know how it'd feel?  Oh and how could I know it was real?   Angel, Angel Marie I thought you would be gone.  How could I know I would be so wrong. For you dwell within my heart and from there you will never depart.   For I love you still and I always will..."

I repented, went to my leaders, I prayed for Heavenly Father's and Angel's forgiveness.  I hope that someday I can hold her and tell her how sorry I am...  I know Heavenly Father has forgiven me through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  

But time marches on and life continues.  I had two beautiful healthy children.  Also in stressful circumstances but still wonderful.  Through two marriages I've also been blessed with 4 amazing step-children, and one foster son.  I'm thankful to have been mother to all these kids through the last 23 years. 

My new husband and I wanted to have a child together.  We began trying but it wasn't working out. Then after 1 1/2 years we finally conceived.  We were overjoyed.  We shared the news, after the six week mark, when all looked perfect. But after 12 weeks when we went for our four month appointment, the healthy heartbeat could no longer be found.  My body refused to naturally take care of the dead baby and was clinging to the pregnancy, 4 weeks after the baby had died.  So Avery, the baby I'll never hold on earth, was removed from me.  

We were told that we could keep trying after a waiting period so we did and six months later found ourselves expecting again.  This time we were more cautious.  After the four month mark all seemed well.  We shared to joyous news.  Then the quad screen came back with issues.  After an amino 9-17-12 they found our baby boy had mild Spino Bifida and Trisomy 18.   Trisomy 18 is fatal, especially in boys.  He could not live outside the womb for more than a year, probably for less than a day.  While he wasn't due until the end of February he would probably be born early.  We were given the option to terminate. I didn't feel supported by medical staff in keeping this terminal baby alive in my womb. However, I could not do it, even knowing he'd died minutes after birth and that our family would experience so much pain. I might have done it if I hadn't known from my experience with Angel Marie how much I'd hurt and loved her and how wrong it was.

This began the longest 3 months of my life.  Yet I wouldn't change them because they were Ezekiel Dominick's life.  He was born 12/23/12 at 30 weeks.  He was born alive and lived 30 minutes.  He got his body and returned to his Heavenly Father.  We love him and know that our family is forever.  But it still hurts.  

A few months later my sister who couldn't have another child of her own was blessed by a young woman who chose life and allowed her daughter to be adopted.  Now I watch her grow knowing my son would be the same age.  

We continue to try but 2 1/2 years later that healthy baby we long for is still not making its appearance.  We pray Heavenly Father will have mercy on us and bless us.  We can't afford to adopt. I wish adoption was easier for birth moms and adoptive parents and more affordable. Then maybe more would see it as an option.  It would help so many. 

So you see I've been on all sides of this issue.  I love and morn all my children.  Heavenly Father loves us all and will make everything right as we follow him.  I hope my story can help others. 

Some Comments Regarding Abortion

I want to address the major criticism of my story. People keep saying that most abortions are performed before 12 weeks, so comparing how my twins look to an 8-12 week old fetus is using manipulation and isn't fair.

The only thing I have to say to that is that my babies were once 8 weeks, and 12 weeks. We all were. Those babies, even that young, will continue to grow and develop and be born and become adults one day. How can you say that it's ok to kill a baby (fetus) at 12 weeks but not at 20? Where do you think it's ok to draw that line?

These babies are humans, just like Chase and Cooper were. They have fingers and toes and a body and a beating heart. I will post a story tomorrow that includes a picture of a 14-15 week old baby who was stillborn. It's hard to look at, but you can clearly see that she was a baby, not a blob of cells.

I know that abortion is not an easy decision for most women who are contemplating it. And there are are a very small number of situations where abortion might be the best option. I am not trying to say that I know what is right for you. I just want people to realize that these babies inside of us are BABIES. They are LIFE. And I feel like we should do everything we can to try to save them and give them a chance at life. I don't know how to say it any clearer, so I will leave it at that for now :)