Thank you for this beautiful guest post by a woman who wishes
to remain anonymous. It is one that needs to be read, because she has
seen all sides of this issue. Thank you so much for sharing.
I was a 15 year old who had lived with 10 years of sexual and
emotional abuse at the hands of multiple family members. My mind was
probably a little messed up. I had recently been raped by my older
foster brother. But then I found that my boyfriend and I had conceived.
I didn't know what to do. I started planning an abortion. How could
I bring a baby into that life. No one came forward to help give two
scared very troubled teens any other options. I kept thinking if
Heavenly Father didn't want it to happen he'd stop me. Well that's not
how it works. I figured that out when my boyfriend fainted on the floor
during the "procedure". It was too late. We did love our baby. And it
has affected our whole lives. Our pain will never go away. We gave her
a name and a ceremony. We prayed and felt our baby was a girl. Her
name is Angel Marie. I wrote her a song:
"Angel, Angel
Marie, how could I do what I did to you? Oh and Angel, Angel Marie how
could I know how it'd feel? Oh and how could I know it was real?
Angel, Angel Marie I thought you would be gone. How could I know I
would be so wrong. For you dwell within my heart and from there you will
never depart. For I love you still and I always will..."
I
repented, went to my leaders, I prayed for Heavenly Father's and Angel's
forgiveness. I hope that someday I can hold her and tell her how sorry
I am... I know Heavenly Father has forgiven me through the atonement
of Jesus Christ.
But time marches on and life
continues. I had two beautiful healthy children. Also in stressful
circumstances but still wonderful. Through two marriages I've also been
blessed with 4 amazing step-children, and one foster son. I'm thankful
to have been mother to all these kids through the last 23 years.
My
new husband and I wanted to have a child together. We began trying but
it wasn't working out. Then after 1 1/2 years we finally conceived.
We were overjoyed. We shared the news, after the six week mark, when
all looked perfect. But after 12 weeks when we went for our four month
appointment, the healthy heartbeat could no longer be found. My
body refused to naturally take care of the dead baby and was clinging
to the pregnancy, 4 weeks after the baby had died. So Avery, the baby
I'll never hold on earth, was removed from me.
We
were told that we could keep trying after a waiting period so we did
and six months later found ourselves expecting again. This time we were
more cautious. After the four month mark all seemed well. We shared
to joyous news. Then the quad screen came back with issues. After an
amino 9-17-12 they found our baby boy had mild Spino Bifida and Trisomy
18. Trisomy 18 is fatal, especially in boys. He could not live
outside the womb for more than a year, probably for less than a day.
While he wasn't due until the end of February he would probably be born
early. We were given the option to terminate. I didn't feel supported by medical staff in keeping this terminal baby alive in my womb. However, I
could not do it, even knowing he'd died minutes after birth and that
our family would experience so much pain. I might have done it
if I hadn't known from my experience with Angel Marie how much I'd hurt
and loved her and how wrong it was.
This
began the longest 3 months of my life. Yet I wouldn't change them
because they were Ezekiel Dominick's life. He was born 12/23/12 at 30
weeks.
He was born alive and lived 30 minutes. He got his body and returned
to his Heavenly Father. We love him and know that our family is
forever.
But it still hurts.
A few months later my
sister who couldn't have another child of her own was blessed by a young
woman who chose life and allowed her daughter to be adopted. Now I
watch her grow knowing my son would be the same age.
We
continue to try but 2 1/2 years later that healthy baby we long for is
still not making its appearance. We pray Heavenly Father will have
mercy on us and bless us. We can't afford to adopt. I wish adoption
was easier for birth moms and adoptive parents and more affordable. Then
maybe more would see it as an option. It would help so many.
So you see I've been on all sides of this issue. I love and morn all my children. Heavenly Father loves us all and will make everything right as we follow him. I hope my story can help others.